love me through it

I know this isn't the most personal way to share something like this, but it is easier than making a million phone calls, shedding some tears & explaining those tears to my boys. So, sorry but if you do want to talk, feel free to call, email, text or whatever.

That being said, the middle of November I felt a lump in my breast. I called my ob/gyn and had an appointment in a couple days. Dr. Garg confirmed what I had felt and referred me to a breast specialist and for an ultrasound. I called to make an appt with the specialist Dr. Spotts & was told I had to do the ultrasound first so I scheduled that too. I called the day before my ultrasound appointment to schedule with Dr. Spotts and the girl I talked to told me I can just see the dr and not go for the ultrasound because the doctor was going to do her own ultrasound regardless, that frustrated me a little because I could've gotten in sooner had I been told that originally. So, not wanting to pay twice for an ultrasound I waited till my doctor appointment. Wednesday afternoon I saw Dr. Spotts, she felt it and did the ultrasound. She said it is definitely a tumor and not a cyst because the lump is solid and doesn't have fluid in it. Based off the ultrasound she believes that it is a fibroadenoma, which is a benign tumor. The only way to be sure is to have it removed. So I am scheduled for surgery on Friday the 23rd. They will remove the tumor and send it out to be tested and then we will know for sure. Worst case it is cancerous, we have a tentative treatment plan in place. Best case it is benign, I'm already done with treatment with the exception of a few follow up visits. It is an outpatient procedure so I should be home Friday afternoon sometime. I have the kids arrangements made for my surgery as well as dinner being brought over Friday night. I haven't told the kids anything yet, Tommy and Nathan are to young to really understand but David is old enough to understand and I don't want to scare him or make him worry, especially right before Christmas.

I'm doing ok. I'm not really worried about the surgery, even though I don't really know the specialist, Dr. Spotts, my doctor that I trust more than anything, especially since we have been through so much together, referred her so I am putting my trust in him plus her practice is part of a very very good cancer clinic so I'm sure I will be and am in good hands that know what to do and what I need. I am a little emotional at times about all of this though, usually when I am able to sit and think. I think about worst case scenario and about these three little boys that need me and all the 'what ifs' pretty much just borrowing trouble. Easier said than done to not think about and worry about it though. So right now I am getting by on borrowed faith and strength.

This link is to a song that I heard on the radio a few days after I found my lump. It makes me cry every time I hear it, but I love it and the words are so true for my situation right now.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lf82Qf3a0Kc&feature=youtube_gdata_player

pictures

I had the boys pictures taken last week.  They did so good & were really cooperative, which is always helpful!! Here are a few of my favorites! It was hard to only choose a few favorites since they all turned out great!

 David, Nathan, Tommy 

 David

 Nathan running to give David a hug

 David with Tommy behind him, I love both their expressions!

 Nathan

Tommy

busy month!

I can't believe it is the end of November already!  26 days till Christmas and 38 days till Nathan turns 2 & I am very sad and ashamed to admit, but I am NO WHERE near ready (for either, but more meaning for Christmas!!)

We have had a very fun filled month though, 

 We ran/rode (bikes & in the stroller) in a 5K for a friend of mine from highschool, Robbie Hale.  It was perfect weather and the kids did great!
 http://helpingthehales.blogspot.com/ 

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_mTgtoFt1nE&=share

 We spent time at the park

After Thanksgiving we went to Utah with some of my family and cut down Christmas trees!  The kids had a lot of fun and we were very happy to find snow to play in!

Tommy got sick the night we got there, and spent most of the night asleep in the bathroom :( luckily we go next week to the allergist to figure out what is going on with him, cause this not being able to eat and throwing up when he does is getting old fast!

Nathan LOVED sitting in the snow watching his brothers and cousin make & throw snowballs, and of course eating the snow...the best part!!

Trick or Treat

This year for Halloween we had

a Zombie (he had a super scary mask but wasn't able to wear it for a few of the activities we had so I painted his face for those & just realized I didn't take a picture of him in his mask!)

Percy the Train

 and 

Mickey Mouse Fireman

 We had lots of fun going to school Halloween parties, parties with our friends, trick or treating at the rec center, ward trunk or treat/Halloween party and of course trick or treating!

We get a pumpkin for each kid to carve, but this year when we went to carve them one was squishy on the bottom and totally rotten inside, so we ended up with two, luckily Nathan isn't old enough to care yet!!  Tommy & Nathan decided on a boat for theirs, and David made a face (all on his own)!

Pumpkin Patch

Last night we went to the pumpkin patch with some friends

 we went on hayrides, and climbed to the top of the pyramid

 Tommy's spooky smile 

 we went on pony rides

 got to pet the animals 

 and had lots of fun!!

five

I started crying as I sat down and turned on the computer today. It has been that kind of week, very emotional. I can't help but think what if things didn't happen the way they did, what if things were different.  I know that losing Gabe is the way it is supposed to be, I know that. I know that he has much more important work to do in heaven and is needed more there than he was here on earth. I can't help to think what if though. 

It is really hard to believe that it has been five years though! I have learned so much since then, this experience has changed my life and how I look at life.  Looking back I still feel so much gratitude, for my doctor, family, friends, and ward members that helped and carried me and my family when we needed it the most.  I am still grateful for the opportunity that I had to be able to go through this loss, to feel the love from our father in heaven throughout everything.  

A friend recently shared this song with me, it fits so well with my experiences with Gabe. 

this song has always been my Gabe song

I've decided to start a new tradition this year, I am going to go to the temple every year on the 17th (or the first closest day if the temples closed), to just be able to sit in the celestial room and think about and reflect on these life changing experiences that I have had. 

School

I just sat down to blog Tommy's first day of school & realized I never did David's!

So, here it is....

David started 5th grade this year!!  He is going to a charter school this year, Explore Knowledge Academy (EKA) and he absolutely LOVES it!!  They go to school Tuesday-Friday from 8-3, he has a male teacher, Mr. Hoon, and each student gets an ipad 2. The first week of school they did testing, he is in the highest math, reading, and english classes! Yikes...sure hope he doesn't expect me to help with homework!

Tommy started preschool today!! He is going M,W,F 3 hours a day.  We have been talking it up, and he has been very hesitant about going.  He has a friend in his class and I thought that might make it easier for him.  He did ok getting dropped off today, he didn't want to let go of my hand to go into the room, I kinda had to push him in and walk away. And yes, I cried as I left him.

Not to be left out, Nathan turned 20 months old last week!!